oh god the rape fog is back!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
