Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I am naked and annoyed.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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