i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Randomize
