How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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