im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
