I think I died a long time ago.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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