Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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