I faked an abortion last night.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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