At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
