Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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