Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
