There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
sarcasm needs its own font
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
