Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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