nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
