I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
