i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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