A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
