First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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