When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
