Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I faked an abortion last night.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
