you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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