Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You pole danced in your parka.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
The power of my boobs compel you
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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