Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
