I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
