Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
