i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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