"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
