you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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