My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I wish I only lived at night.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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