There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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