a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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