So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
