she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
