birth control should be required to get into college
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
