I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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