i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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