Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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