I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
