I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
God, I missed his penis.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
