You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
