just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
