I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
