evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I pour the whiskey from now on
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
