6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
