You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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