I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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