I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
