yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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