And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
