I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I still have a little drunk in my system
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
