soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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