how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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