This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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