fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
