Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
4 words: hood of his car
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
i think im in europe. pls send help
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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