____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
send nudes
from the living room?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
