Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize