dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
