Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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