Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Randomize
