Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
