I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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